Dear Married Person

Dear married person, 
 
What a gift you are to our community! We probably don’t say that enough, but you are truly a treasure to us. We admire the courage you have in order to live in your present season, and we glean from your example.
 
As we live in community with you, there are some things that we would like to encourage from you when it comes to topic of marriage and singleness. Are you willing to hear us speak honestly? Well, here goes.

• Make space for us. Being single can be quite vulnerable and isolating at times. For example, there are many times when we are painfully aware when we are the only single person in the room. Seasons of transition are especially isolating for single people. So, we would love it if you make space for us in community. It would help us if you went out of your way to do so. Extend an invitation to us, but don’t just invite us to somehow fit into your already established world. Rather, invite us to be equal contributors and bring our full selves to the table. 

 

• Ask questions before you give advice. Take the approach of curiosity with us instead of assumption and advice giving. Not only does asking questions allow the opportunity for us to feel known, it also gives you time to give thoughtful advice to us. This approach requires more patience, but it also gives a better foundation that yields much better results for everyone. Also, remember that your dating/marriage experience is not the standard for all relationships. So, make sure that you don’t give advice solely on your experience, but from a place of understanding our unique and personal story.

 

• Be graceful. A lot of single people feel misunderstood, not to mention we are walking around day after day with one of their deepest desires unmet. This means we may not have had the space yet to foster emotional maturity about the situation. So, allow us the space to process and have grace for us as we release our hurts and frustration. It’s not okay if we start throwing a pity party. However, if we do start despairing, remind us that we are enough and that we do have the opportunity to experience rich relationships in community.

 

• Look for ways to encourage us and build our self-confidence. We already feel the obvious lack of having a partner, but many of us also feel a lack in ourselves. One of the most helpful things you can do for single people is to encourage us in our uniqueness, our value, and in the fact that we are desirable whether or not there is a significant other in our life. Also, please note that making “harmless” jokes about our singleness isn’t helping our confidence. 

 

• Don’t make assumptions about our availability. Don’t look to us to fill the gaps in your life. Often, people will ask us to babysit, house-sit, pick up an extra shift at work, and on and on because we are single people that you know. (I have had to define what I am willing to do and not willing to do over time. But I am quick to distance myself with the people who try to arrange my personal schedule or guilt me into filling the gaps in their life). We aren’t chess pieces in your life to move around. So, please feel free to ask, but don’t arrange our lives for us or guilt us into helping yours.

 

• Be thoughtful about your matchmaking for us. Don’t try to match us with someone just because they happen to be another single person that you know. Hear us when we say that we give you the permission to play matchmaker BUT only if you know us deeply and know what we desire in a spouse. Be thoughtful about your matches and have our (and their) best interest at heart.

 

• Teach how to celebrate the seasons of life. Singlness isn't often celebrated in our culture. But we would all do well to learn how to celebrate the different seasons of life. Will you help us look for ways to celebrate the single season we are in? Also, marriage is something we want to look forward to. Don’t try to soften the pains of our single experience by telling us how hard marriage us. Speak honestly about the hard stuff, but be sure to tell us the wonderful things too! We want to celebrate your season with you. 

 
Summing it all up: we want to be known, we want to be celebrated, we want to be asked, and we want space at the table with you. Thank you for listening, for being there for us, and for learning to love us well. We look forward to hearing how we can know and understand YOU better.
 
Sincerely,
 
Your single friends.