Dear single person,
 
What a gift you are to our community! You probably don’t hear that enough, but it’s true. As a single person, you bring value and joy to our world, and we acknowledge the courage it takes for you to live in your present season. Your heart is welcomed to the table with every other stage of life, and we desire to understand your heart more.
 
As you live in community with the world around you, there are some things that I would like to encourage from you when it comes to topic of marriage and singleness. While I am someone who is also in a season of singleness, there are some things that I think all of us in this stage of life could benefit from.

• Practice the right balance of contentment and desire. The grass isn’t always greener. If you don’t practice contentment now, there’s a good chance you will not experience contentment in the next stage of life. This season of singleness is an opportunity for you to both practice satisfaction with the here and now while also stretching and sharpening yourself for the season to come. Practice being content even in the lonely, boring, and hidden places of all. For all those times that you instinctively run to your phone or get caught up in a flurry of activity, get still and deal with your discontentment. As you practice contentment, make sure that your desire for romance doesn’t dwindle. The goal of this season is not to snuff out desire. The goal is to keep it alive but not let it rule over your heart’s joy. Though they are seemingly contrasting feelings, you need both contentment and desire in this season. The presence of both is in fact a marker of a healthy single person.

​

• Honor the season other people are in. Value what your married/dating/parenting friends contribute to your life and recognize that the differences in your season aren’t an obstruction to relationship with them. Hang out with them! Learn from them. Learn from their mistakes and their successes. But be careful to not put unhealthy expectations on those relationships. Give your married/dating/parenting friends the space to enjoy their stage of life. They are in a season where they need to value their significant other and their family above their friends. And that is okay. You don’t need to be present for everything or invited to everything.

 

• Keep showing up. The single people I know who have a strong sense of self-esteem and experience the richest community are the people who show up to things consistently. Sometimes our singleness makes us feel so vulnerable that we avoid a lot of situations. Often we give up trying to find a significant other or develop friendships because we’ve tried but haven’t seen results. My best advice: KEEP SHOWING UP!  Be patient. Community and relationships take time. So, show up even when it’s uncomfortable, vulnerable, lonely, scary, or seems like a waste of time. As you practice patiently and persistently “showing up” to various opportunities in life and make yourself known, you are setting yourself up for the best chances to arrive at your desired relational goal.

 

• Tackle your loneliness head on. I heard it said from a college professor that the only way to get rid of loneliness was to get alone. This advice is completely opposite from my natural tendencies, but it’s the best advice I have been given when it comes to loneliness. Feel the loneliness, cry it out or write it out; but don’t stuff it down. It needs release, but other people cannot solve this issue for you. If you only go around telling everyone how lonely you are, you are just keeping that loneliness alive (ironically so because you would have to be with someone to have this conversation). You need the time and space to release the emotions you feel, but not let them lead your life.

 

• Be graceful & learn boundaries. I’m almost positive that you, like me, have been on the end of unwelcomed advice for the dating world, have experienced not being invited to social gatherings because it’s for married/dating/parenting people, or have been asked why you can’t watch your friend’s kids tonight. “What do you have going on?”  Well, it would do us a world of good to not be cynical towards these people, but rather, practice giving them the benefit of the doubt. Go above and beyond to be nice. It will sit so much better in your soul and push against bitterness. Just as your story is unique, so is theirs. You can have grace for them AND you can take responsibility for how you think and feel about the situation. If you've practiced a cynical or lonely spirit, there's actually a good chance that you aren't seeing the situation from the right perspective. Be kind but take the unwelcomed advice with a grain of salt. Stop looking at your phone while the social events are happening without you and give them permission to live in their season. Define what you are and are not willing to do in this season and feel empowered to stick by it.  In other words, be graceful and set boundaries for yourself.

 

• Find the joy and purpose of this season and go after it. Learn to celebrate this season of life. If you have the right perspective, you will find that marriage and kids aren’t the only joys and purposes in life. There are plenty of other joys and purposes to experience in the here and now. If you are so focused on the next season of life, you might miss the glory right in front of you. Have you asked yourself what is worth celebrating or what you have now that you won’t have when you’re married? Find those things and ENJOY THEM! How about asking yourself what the purpose of this season is? Find the purpose and then align your life with it. 

 

• Look for ways to build self-confidence and watch out for things that tear it down. Confidence is a game changer for a single person (not to mention it is an attractive quality). It enables you to live in this season well and more readily recognize the benefits of this stage of life. So, incorporate some practices that help build your confidence like positive self-talk. Don’t let your confidence be built on what other people say or do (or the lack their of). Lean into developing this quality for yourself instead of relying others to build your confidence and self-worth for you. Also, watch out for the things that weaken your self-esteem. Jokes like “this must be why I am single”, whether you realize it or not, are directly putting yourself down and diminishing both the beauty and strengths of this season. 

 

• Keep your eyes open and position yourself. This is perhaps my favorite piece of advice though it is personally the most challenging. If you do not want to stay single for the rest of your life, you have got to look for opportunities to find and flirt with someone compatible with you. Practice positioning yourself in circles where there is opportunity for connection. Find healthy places where you can interact with opposite sex. Ask your married friends if they know anyone who might be compatible with you. Try online dating (though this is controversial for some and might not be for everyone). Get creative and be proactive about romantic connection.

 

• Pray with faith about your future. Over the last few years I have discovered that when my heart feels sad about my single state, it is an opportunity for prayer and for faith. I used to pray over my future spouse and children with pity, but what a shift it has been to pray with faith! Instead of prayers that instruct God to serve my own purpose and relieve my pain, I have learned to pray with intention and wisdom about the future. Of course, you can absolutely approach God with your pain. He is the God of all comfort. When you are feeling sad and lonely, pray with faith that He can and will comfort your heart. Make Him your heart’s supply and anchor your emotions, your desires, and your season in Him.

 
 
Summing it all up: learn contentment, keep your heart open, start celebrating your season, build your confidence, and lean into your faith. Go after the opportunities that lay before you for community, personal growth, and intimacy with the Lord. What a beautiful season you find yourself in. Go make the best of it.
 
 
Sincerely,
 
Your single friend

Dear married person, 
 
What a gift you are to our community! We probably don’t say that enough, but you are truly a treasure to us. We admire the courage you have in order to live in your present season, and we glean from your example.
 
As we live in community with you, there are some things that we would like to encourage from you when it comes to topic of marriage and singleness. Are you willing to hear us speak honestly? Well, here goes.

• Make space for us. Being single can be quite vulnerable and isolating at times. For example, there are many times when we are painfully aware when we are the only single person in the room. Seasons of transition are especially isolating for single people. So, we would love it if you make space for us in community. It would help us if you went out of your way to do so. Extend an invitation to us, but don’t just invite us to somehow fit into your already established world. Rather, invite us to be equal contributors and bring our full selves to the table. 

 

• Ask questions before you give advice. Take the approach of curiosity with us instead of assumption and advice giving. Not only does asking questions allow the opportunity for us to feel known, it also gives you time to give thoughtful advice to us. This approach requires more patience, but it also gives a better foundation that yields much better results for everyone. Also, remember that your dating/marriage experience is not the standard for all relationships. So, make sure that you don’t give advice solely on your experience, but from a place of understanding our unique and personal story.

 

• Be graceful. A lot of single people feel misunderstood, not to mention we are walking around day after day with one of their deepest desires unmet. This means we may not have had the space yet to foster emotional maturity about the situation. So, allow us the space to process and have grace for us as we release our hurts and frustration. It’s not okay if we start throwing a pity party. However, if we do start despairing, remind us that we are enough and that we do have the opportunity to experience rich relationships in community.

 

• Look for ways to encourage us and build our self-confidence. We already feel the obvious lack of having a partner, but many of us also feel a lack in ourselves. One of the most helpful things you can do for single people is to encourage us in our uniqueness, our value, and in the fact that we are desirable whether or not there is a significant other in our life. Also, please note that making “harmless” jokes about our singleness isn’t helping our confidence. 

 

• Don’t make assumptions about our availability. Don’t look to us to fill the gaps in your life. Often, people will ask us to babysit, house-sit, pick up an extra shift at work, and on and on because we are single people that you know. (I have had to define what I am willing to do and not willing to do over time. But I am quick to distance myself with the people who try to arrange my personal schedule or guilt me into filling the gaps in their life). We aren’t chess pieces in your life to move around. So, please feel free to ask, but don’t arrange our lives for us or guilt us into helping yours.

 

• Be thoughtful about your matchmaking for us. Don’t try to match us with someone just because they happen to be another single person that you know. Hear us when we say that we give you the permission to play matchmaker BUT only if you know us deeply and know what we desire in a spouse. Be thoughtful about your matches and have our (and their) best interest at heart.

 

• Teach how to celebrate the seasons of life. Singlness isn't often celebrated in our culture. But we would all do well to learn how to celebrate the different seasons of life. Will you help us look for ways to celebrate the single season we are in? Also, marriage is something we want to look forward to. Don’t try to soften the pains of our single experience by telling us how hard marriage us. Speak honestly about the hard stuff, but be sure to tell us the wonderful things too! We want to celebrate your season with you. 

 
Summing it all up: we want to be known, we want to be celebrated, we want to be asked, and we want space at the table with you. Thank you for listening, for being there for us, and for learning to love us well. We look forward to hearing how we can know and understand YOU better.
 
Sincerely,
 
Your single friends.
 
 

​There is a huge culture shift happening in our generation. Have you noticed? I sure have. I need not look farther than my own friend circle to see the obvious (and sometimes awkward) cultural shift at work. Half of my young adult friends (in their twenties and thirties) are single while the other half are married. My generation of young adults are caught right in the middle of this cultural phenomena known as emerging adulthood.
​
The median age for marriage is climbing higher with each passing decade which also means the amount of single young adults has climbed and is climbing still. Being single in your twenties and thirties is no longer a rare occurrence. Instead, it is becoming a norm. My immediate community reflects this growing trend. Not to mention, I have firsthand watched a subtle divide develop in my community. I have had countless conversations with my married friends and my single friends who experience frustration with those in the reverse romantic situation.

While I am not here to speculate or deconstruct the causes of the emerging adulthood phenomena, I am wanting to start an open dialogue for marrieds and singles in an effort to bring a greater level of empathy and understanding.

Welcome to The Mediation.

The purpose of the next few blog posts is not to deepen the wedge that already exists between most singles and married people, but rather bring us together.

Since I am single myself, I will primarily be speaking from my perspective as a single person. However, I have reached out to several married people to gain a wider perspective.

Now for the hard questions.

Can we have some honest conversations? Can we address the vulnerable conversation about extended singleness with grace and transparency? Can we dive into some empathy and understanding for each other and drop our assumptions? And are you willing to make some adjustments in how you interact with others?

If you answered yes to these questions, I’m excited to explore and celebrate this space with you over the next few weeks! Check back in this  Monday and Wednesday for more on this topic. 

I have probably read this verse half a dozen times or so throughout my lifetime. But this week I decided to meditate on it and dig in for a deeper understanding. The word MYRTLE stuck out to me with a big question mark hanging in the air. “What in the world is myrtle?”. Wastelands and thorn bushes I understand, but what is the significance of myrtle?
​
Here’s what I found: Myrtle is a strong-smelling shrub found in the Middle East that is covered with white flowers and dark berries. It is the plant that is used to form our allspice. Myrtle illustrates life and fertility and the leaves cluster so densely that you can’t even see the branches. In the Bible specifically, myrtle isn’t mentioned until the time of Israel’s captivity where this plant is used to represent a recovery and establishment of God’s promises.

Once dead, useless briers are now becoming fragrant and fruitful myrtle. In the once empty places of life, a new garden grows so packed with promise and blessing that you can’t even see the roots.  In the most unlikely of places, God’s promises can be recovered and established. This is what God does. This is who He is. This is what He spoke to Israel and this is what He speaks to us.

I grow tired of waiting for God’s promises, and I admit that the more time passes the more impossible it seems for those promises to be pulled off. Yet, as I run into scriptures like Isaiah 55:13, I know the Lord is sovereignly speaking, making the words that have grown stale in my heart become fresh again. So, I choose to hope today. Though every miracle seems miles away, I choose to believe He can work even here in the wasteland of my waiting.
​
What is the myrtle miracle God has placed on your heart for this season? What promise is God stirring up again that seems so far off, yet the one that you desperately long for?